Healthy attachment relationships are the bedrock for healthy child development and helping children recover from adverse childhood experiences. Children grow well into adulthood when their relationships with their primary caregivers are secure. When the connections in these relationships are broken because of trauma, a child’s development can be derailed. The road to repair can be challenging, but there is hope!
The first step is to ensure the child’s safety, making sure they are no longer exposed to danger. Children want and need safe environments to thrive.
The second step is acknowledgment, the willingness to face the devastating event(s) that led to the breach in the attachment relationship. This second step is a must for there to be repair. This step often involves the parent/caregiver getting some outside professional support to navigate the choppy waters of their own and their children’s trauma experiences. Never feel that you have to do this alone; seek the help you need.
Third, allow and help children to speak the unspeakable and be willing to listen and support them. It is imperative to know that in this second step speaking for a lot of children when it comes to communicating their traumatic experiences is often not verbal. Understanding that all behaviors communicate a need is essential for engaging a child to share their experience. Here, you must try not to be reactive. Instead, lean in to gain a better understanding of the underlying meaning behind the behavior, speak that need aloud to give the child language for what they are experiencing, and, most importantly, meet that need. In doing so, you help to re-establish trust in the relationship, letting the child know you see them, understand, care, and love them despite their behavior.
Fourth, developing and practicing a healthy level of patience is a must. Unpacking trauma and the impact takes time, and most certainly will not happen overnight. Know that it is normal to feel that some days you and your child are making great strides, and other days it is as though you have taken steps backward. It is all part of the process of re-establishing trust and repairing the relationship.
Lastly, parents, be kind to yourselves. Beating yourselves up will not help your little ones. The road to recovery sometimes can seem long, and while these strategies are not an exhaustive list, it is an excellent place to start on the healing journey. Remember, there is hope! Seek the help you need to support you and your little one.
~Be Well
Kerry McLachlan 