Beyond the I Do’s

My husband and I celebrate 23 years of marriage this year, and sometimes I am asked how do we make it work. The number of years may seem impressive, but the years are a byproduct of time. The health and vitality of relationships require work. As I reflected on my marriage, I was inspired to write some thoughts down and share them. There are no cookie-cutter solutions for having a healthy marriage. Each relationship is different. But here are a few of my thoughts.

Don’t stop talking to each other even when the conversations are hard. Face problems head-on passive-aggressive behaviors are a destroyer of healthy relationships. Tell your spouse what you need from them, show them how to love and support you—don’t assume they know how. Do the work on yourself because sometimes the actions or perceived lack of regard/concern for you stems from your unresolved past hurts. Don’t put the weight and pressure on your spouse to make you whole; it is not their job, and it won’t work. Instead, allow them to walk alongside you while you work, it’s better, more effective, and change is more sustainable that way.

If you are not evolving as individuals and as a couple, then the relationship is stagnant. You rely on the way things used to be (the good old days) to help you with the now. The problem with that is what you did back then may not work for today. For example, If you all dated as teenagers, going to the movies and eating at Old Country Buffet may have been the ideal date. But now you are ten years in the marriage, have whole careers, and ‘are three kids deep.’ It’s time to step it up (ok, I may have dated myself with this example, but I’m not shy about age, lol).

Stop giving your spouse roles and placing expectations on them they don’t know about. You have a need; open your mouth and say what that need is. If you find it hard to express what you need, it is time first to do a self-check to figure out why it is hard to ask for what you need. Second, do a relationship check to figure out what is happening in the relationship dynamic that prevents you all from being open, honest, and transparent. Again, always start with self first because we all carry baggage. Introspection helps diffuse our eagerness to point a finger and assign blame and opens the door for dialogue. Even if your spouse was wrong, when we take the time to reflect, we enter the conversation to gain understanding, forgive, and move forward, not to be vindicated and be the winner of an argument. Winning an argument in a marriage is child’s play because if one of you loses, you both lose in marriage. Adults, however, have hard conversations to clarify misunderstandings and apologize for wrongdoing. The goal is always to move forward together.

I’m pretty sure I can think of more maybe I will do a part two. But for now, I will end with this tried and true advice, keep folks out of ‘y’all’ relationship! I understand the need for a sounding board but do some vetting before you start talking. Some people can’t handle what you have to share and do not have a clue how to listen without judgment, comparing, and infusing themselves into your situation. They have their own drama and have a track record of making poor choices. We look for reviews on what hotel to say in and what restaurant to eat at, but we will take relationship advice from anybody. Care enough about your relationship to guard it, and set boundaries around who you share with and what you share. Cheers to healthy relationships! ~Be well